No sad days

It dawned on me that it has been a while. Quite a while of no sad days. I can remember the last one quite clearly. It’s been nearly 3 months since I had a really horribly down day. It had been about a week of a really dark space, which started on the weekend where no one saw it. The mood hadn’t left on the Monday. Called in sick. Tuesday I had to go back to work. The mood hadn’t left but I had to go in.


I had quit smoking cigarettes the week prior too. So I was attempting to process difficult moods without a habitual nicotine hit. The start of that first week not smoking I would do a quick stair run exercise substitute for smoking, but when the flat mood hit, it became a silent people break in the privacy of the unused stairs, hiding really. I wasn’t in a good head space that day… 


I managed to make it through the day without needing a cigarette but it meant I had a mood that needed to be redirected somewhere. It needed to be let out somehow and I’m guessing I looked a bit of a wreck that day.

The next day I overheard a couple of staff talking about ‘yesterday’ and I knew it was about me. I pondered, started to feel self conscious and instead of worrying I did something about it this time. I sent an email to my team who’d had to witness my behaviour the day before. I had insight within a day to realise that I had appeared pretty stressed yet I couldn’t explain why at the time. The email was titled Mental Health in the Work Place.

 

I guess it is how I am finding my voice, how I can walk my talk of being a more open honest person. This has to date been something I've struggled with because a big part of me would rather keep this vulnerable side of me private.


I explained that it had occurred after three really flat days, one of which I’d stayed home for.  That its dealing with a topical stressful project. That I’d quit smoking a week ago and was relearning again to regulate my mood without them. I explained that now that I’m back I have to learn how my face presents when I’m down. I had spent a year with no one seeing so I’d forgotten. It was just going to need a bit of practice.


I said 'no reply necessary.' I still got some feedback and it was really helpful. I felt acknowledged and not made out to feel 'you're weird.' What was more helpful though, was that this action was “real.” It was in real life, not behind a closed door counselling discussion or private. It was about integrating my hidden silent part of me with depression, with the actual reality of how that transpires in real life and where I spend a lot of time, at work. 

 
It gave me strength. I wasn’t going to let pressure and stress take over when I was back at work. I just maybe had to explain the behaviour that might result when things get hectic. I explained that in times like I looked yesterday, I would benefit from a quick walk, or a chat on the oval or something, to break the intensity. I invited them to ask me ‘next time’ because I may not be able to see that I needed it. This wasn't just about self care.It was also about being more supportive as a team.

I realise now that the day I sent that email, was the first day in the last three months of 'no sad days.' It was one of the first days of true integration of past and present. It’s important to remind myself to remember this. In the long monotonous days, weeks and months on end of flat moods, you forget that life was ever any better. You can’t see out of that space. Depression may never quite leave, but the time between heavy intense dark days starts to spread out. That occasional light day in a week starts to multiply. And all of a sudden 11 weeks have passed since that last sad day.

 

Note to self: acknowledge progress.